A brilliant man that I've
never met recently said that he always censors his writing. He argued that his
thoughts were for himself, and those were uncensored, but his writing was for
others and therefore was always censored.
I personally don’t know how
he does it. My thoughts were stolen from me at an early age. My thoughts aren’t
my own and they certainly aren’t uncensored. I have to be very careful with my
thoughts and how long I let them float around my mind because I will usually
quite quickly dispute them. I have learned to squash any particles of hope and
remove completely any silly ideas like success or happiness.
The only way to truly
convey my feelings to myself or to others without censorship is to write. When
I write, I am free. Writing gives me the ability to allow my true
thoughts to emerge. I become vulnerable when I write and it is impossible to
censor what I am feeling. The words just flow as an extension of my fingers and
my thoughts suddenly appear on this blank white background. I am able to
release these thoughts from my mind before I am able to sabotage or edit them.
I love that I am able to
write. I talk a lot about how I am a writer. I talk a lot about things that I
have written. I don’t know how I would make any sense of all of the mumbo jumbo
in my mind without my writing. I am truly blessed with this gift. This gift:
being able to perfectly convey how I am feeling or what I am thinking or all
the hurt inside me or all my ambitions for the future. It’s all written down;
recorded. It can’t be changed, it can’t be manipulated and I can’t talk myself
out of any of these things. They already exist in writing and they are
permanent.
Please don’t ask to see or
read any of my writing though. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem sharing
these pieces of writing with you. I love the feeling of being vulnerable and
having other people read about my thoughts. But I’ll just tell you about them,
ok? You see, the problem is that most of these pieces of writing only
exist in my mind. I just visualize myself writing and I am able to write down
all the words in my mind. In fact, I write 100’s of articles, emails, blog
posts and essays in my mind every month. After all, my writing is the only way
I can grasp the purest form of my uncensored thoughts.
I don’t know how he does
it. Having all those uncensored thoughts in his mind all the time must be
overwhelming. I admire him for his transparency but I think I’ll just stick to
writing.
