Read Part 1 here - http://www.organizeddysfunction.com/2012/09/my-mom-married-black-man-off-internet.html
When asked how my dad and mom met, my mom's answer was always the same.
She has told me since I could understand words, and everyone else that
would listen, that she was in love with someone else. She was engaged to
someone else. Her fiance was killed in a tragic tractor accident and my
mom was so devastated that she wanted to die. She didn't care what
happened in life after that and so she married the first man that came
along. Aside from being just a beautiful, romantic and inspiring message
of love for her children - knowing their mother didn't love their father - this was a true reflection of my mother's
outlook on life and a realistic representation of her person.
Fast forward 30 years and my father had just passed away. And although she
never wanted to be married to him in the first place, there is only one thing
my mom wanted less: to be alone. One would think that you would take some time
to reflect on your life in a situation like this, pinpoint your mistakes and
then take action to ensure you learn from those errors. But One doesn’t think.
My mother had convinced herself that her entire marriage was dysfunctional because of my dad. She didn’t, and
continues to not, understand the concept of taking responsibility for herself
and her actions and her life. Now, with her late husband out of the picture, my
mom had but one mission: “To find her soul mate”. Her words, not mine. What a
ridiculous concept. Believing that there is just one perfect person sitting
there, waiting for you somewhere in the world and the only effort you have to
put into the relationship is finding that person is about as senseless as believing in the Tooth Fairy. Regardless, this was my mother’s mission.
I tried talking to my mom. I tried telling her a bit about the grieving
process and how she should maybe be a little less aggressive in her 'soul mate
search' until she was thinking more clearly. I tried encouraging her to take a
step back and give some thought as to what she really wanted and needed in a
relationship. My mom was very clear with her intent. She started writing
messages to every man she could find online that said “Are you my soul mate?”. Men would write to her, telling her a bit about themselves and their lives and
asking her to describe herself in return and she would respond with “I am just
looking for my soul mate, are you my soul mate?”.
I remember feeling truly embarrassed for her. She was making herself sound desperate and that's the last thing I wanted for her, for fear of people without the best intentions. Love interest #1 told her he was in between paychecks and asked for her to pay for his trip up to her house and then for a trip to Hawaii together with promises of paying her back. And he did pay her back, by dumping her the day they left Hawaii. Love interest #2 I don't know much about except that my mom paid for herself and two of her friends to go to his city to meet him and it was over before she left. But it wasn’t until love
interest #3 that I started to grow curious. My
mother, who was a 55 year old white woman from North Dakota (she’s still white
and still from North Dakota, she’s just no longer 55) seemed to have a new very specific type.
So, I did what any daughter who is monitoring her mother’s online dating
activity weeks after her father’s funeral would do, I asked. I told her I was
noticing a common theme between all of her suitors and I was just curious as to
how that came about. My mother then confessed that when she submitted her
online profile on the dating website it had asked her for her preferences in
men and she had checked the boxes for:
-BLACK ONLY
-FROM CALIFORNIA, TEXAS, HAWAII, ARIZONA, FLORIDA
In a state of shock and even though I knew I would regret knowing, I asked
for an explanation. How could she, in one breath, say she wanted to find her soul mate but then say he had to fit some tiny manufactured mold in the next? And I then learned that she was only interested in black men
from warm States, so she could move somewhere warm.
There is only one idea more ludicrous than believing there is just one
perfect person sitting there, waiting for you somewhere in the world and that
is believing you can put bizarre and idealistic limitations onto your already absurd
belief. So which was it? Was she looking for her soul mate or was she looking for a black man from California,
Texas, Hawaii, Arizona or Florida?
I think we all know how that one turned out.
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